When I make videos, it’s not that unusual to get comments on the video like, “Jade, you’re such a nice person; you’ve got such a good heart; Wow, I wish I had a friend like you.” I get these kinds of comments, and therefore I want to address my shadow personalities in this post. And the purpose of doing this is to show by my own example that the personalities that we see on television or on YouTube, are not necessarily authentic, even though they may seem that way, especially in the case of YouTube.

So we very easily just believe what we see in video. And speaking as a creator here, I know that I can show you—if I choose to—I can show you any reflection of myself that I want. I can show that I’m always kind, I’m always nice, I’m always positive. Or I can always show you that I’m really caring, or anything that I want to reflect about myself: I can craft my videos in that way to show you.

If I reflect honestly on all the videos that I’ve ever made, at least the first few years, there was a sort of nice character in those videos that I made. And a lot of people were really attracted to and liked The Old Jade, as they say, and tell me I should make more videos like The Old Jade and stuff. As they perceive in my old videos, like more smiley—more, you know, jokey, positive.

And this is a side of me in some situations, but it’s not a side of me in all my life. And I also would just say: it’s an idealised video character of myself. And it wasn’t true to real life. But anyway, people are so used to seeing these kind of characters, selective characters that people show of themselves—on television, in any kind of media, in video—that a lot of the time, people don’t like it when they’re being shown something with darker edges. And they’ll leave your YouTube channel; they’ll leave your blog; they’ll stop being friends with you; they’ll say that you’re nasty. And that’s absolutely fine. That is acceptable for me, if people decide it’s not for them when they see the un-sanitised versions of myself.

But now I also want to talk about the sides of me that never really make it on to video. These are unacceptable parts of me that are in my shadow and they leak out or explode out in some situations. And only the people who know me personally in life will have seen some of these characters. I probably have more of these characters, but these are the ones that I’m aware of in my shadow self.

At least I can say: for these characters, I’m aware of them now. I think in previous times, I had characters that I was not aware of, because these sides of myself are so unacceptable, I would hide them very deeply. Other people I knew would see these characters sometimes, but I was oblivious to them.

The Leaver. The Leaver is the part of me that wants to react to any difficult situation by leaving and running away. The Leaver is always trying to get out of situations, keep the back door open, never commit a hundred percent, and looks for reasons to leave. And the Leaver is constantly assailing me with doubts all the time about things. And so for as much as I say want connection and closeness with people, I do also have a Leaver character that can completely just disappear off the face of the Earth, sometimes. When I’ve known people…as I’ve done in the past, when a relationship ends, I can walk off into the sunset and that’s it. The Leaver finishes things with finality.

The Sharp-Tongued Harpy is someone who, if you prod me, the Sharp-tongued Harpy can destroy you in a sentence. The Sharp-tongued Harpy knows exactly what to say to make you feel worthless and ashamed. And the Sharp-tongued Harpy is a character that I started to learn how to do when I was a child. It was my defence strategy when I was a child. And I’ve definitely not given up the Sharp-tongued Harpy. At the moment, the Sharp-tongued Harpy makes its appearance most often on Facebook, in my Facebook rages that I would get into for pointless reasons. And this is not allowed on Facebook either, because Facebook generally shows the most sanitised, best characters of people and definitely not the shadow selves.

The Advisor is someone who maybe seems nice on the surface, but the Advisor is really annoying: has got advice for every person in every life situation, and always has a solution and can always tell you: If you do this, then you’ll be OK. And the Advisor is patronising, because the Advisor knows best in all situations, and the Advisor can’t even hear advice from 99 percent of people in the world. The Advisor just thinks those people are wrong or not qualified to give any advice at all.

The Chess Maker is always forecasting what’s going to happen, moving the chess pieces of life, seeing the patterns, and making predictions about what’s coming on ahead. Often the Chess maker is right about things. But the Chess Maker then wants to go proselytising and telling everyone about the way the chess pieces are going to move. And most people can’t see where the Chess Maker is coming from; they just think the Chess Maker is a loon and paranoid and a conspiracy theorist. So the Chess Maker is quite hated by people in general. But the Chess Maker occupies a lot of my internal life: it’s one of the main characters.

The Jaded is disappointed with humanity and life and hurts from how shit the world is. And the Jaded is a real party-pooper and bore and is way too serious for nearly everyone. And the Jaded can be a real drainbow who can bring you down totally.

The Misanthrope has a deep disgust of some behaviours in people in general: weak-willed behaviour; people bringing problems onto themselves; people acting in ignorance; people who don’t put effort into making their lives better. The Misanthrope has deep disgust for all these kinds of people.

The Raging Kali is the most aggressive and destructive of my shadow selves. It’s only ever seen in public in a severe panic attack moment, where she’ll scream like a banshee, make a big scene, won’t shut up if anyone tells me to be quiet or calm down. She’ll will go harder into more outbursts, will basically give a big “Fuck You!” to everybody who’s there. And usually the Raging Kali is unforgiveable to most people. When most people have seen that, then they just either stay away forever, or always hold me in deep suspicion following that.

And the last one is The Mysterious One. The Mysterious One is a contradiction, because the owned parts of my character do not lie. Lies fill me with a deep disgust, so I don’t lie to people and I don’t lie to myself. But the Mysterious One keeps her cards close to her chest. So she won’t ever lie, but you won’t always know the whole story, and nobody would. The Mysterious One could keep a secret… And here I don’t mean it like a rotten secret. But I mean that the Mysterious One could keep a secret to the grave and never, ever speak of it. She could even be tortured and never give up what she knows. So the Mysterious One is unknowable to everyone…even to my other characters, and sometimes comes out of nowhere to surprise me.

So, pulling this all together now: this was not an exercise in self-abasement to say how horrible I am. This is just to declare openly that, however I may come across in videos, it’s a part of the whole package. The more you know me, the more of these different characters you’ll see. And the more you know me, you may not like these…you may come to dislike me when you see these aspects of myself. You might decide to unsubscribe or stop being my friend when you see them. I don’t really think these characters are there to be fixed; they’re just there and I’d rather know them than leave them lurking in the dark.