I’ve been invited to a wedding three months from now, and the idea of going to it is already causing anxiety. The inner conflict is between the thought that I *should go* and the feeling that I don’t want to because it will be really hard for me.

I imagine this wedding to be hard for a number of reasons. First, as an introvert, I don’t like these kinds of big events, especially when they are full up with people from the distant past. I much prefer leaving the past in the past than I do being reunited with it en masse, such as by meeting again some of the people I went to school with years ago. It’s not that there’s anyone I dislike or specifically don’t want to meet again from my school years, it’s rather that I’ve moved on from all that. There’s nothing interesting there that I would want to dig up, and anyway, the social aspect of my school days brings up more bad memories than good.

Another aspect I imagine to be hard is the energy drain of going to a big event and the pressure to be ‘on form’. This means interacting with a lot of people over what is likely to be a very long day. I have been to weddings that I’ve really enjoyed before, but these were generally when I was the random guest who didn’t really know anyone else there. Not knowing many people actually makes going to a wedding a lot easier, as you can always disappear when you need to and nobody will care or notice you’re gone.

And the final aspect that is hard is going to a wedding alone without a guest. I go on holiday alone and will eat out alone happily. In the past I have been to nightclubs and music festivals alone, that’s harder but still doable. But going to a wedding alone, well, I’m already feeling the cringe of awkwardly standing about with nobody to talk to during all those in-between moments that happen at weddings, such as when waiting to pose for photos. If I go, I can imagine myself latching on another loner for mutual support!

I haven’t decided whether I’m going to go or not yet to this wedding. As an ideal, I do want to go to show my support and care for my friend who is getting married. I also want to be part of the memories of that day. But then again I also know my personal limitations. There’s a big difference between pushing one’s comfort zone (doing something that is hard because it will be good for you) and going against oneself (forcing yourself to do what is hard when your insides scream ‘No!’). In my case it’s much too early to decide whether going to this wedding will be within my comfort zone or not. Three months later is a lot of time for things to change and by then I may be feeling much healthier than now, and if that’s the case, I will have ample energy for a big event such as this. If I don’t feel in good physical shape by the time of this wedding, which is needed to avoid energy wipeout, then I’m just not going to go. I’ll explain my reasons to my friend and hope that she can be understanding of that.